InTouch Weekly is reporting that Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez is ALREADY cheating on Madonna.  I’m flabbergasted, really I am!  I haven’t been this shocked since OK! misspelled Ashlee Simpson’s name.  It seems while Gwyneth Paltrow was off begging PETA’s forgiveness for her furry Tods campaign photos, she let A-Rod out of her site.  It only took a second, but when A-Rod saw model Melissa Britos (looking virginal in her Cape Fear Wedding shoot) descend the Fontainebleau’s famed “Staircase to Nowhere,” he completely forgot about bossy old Madonna.  Modeling virginal whites

One of the model’s friends said, “He became obsessed with her. He sent her at least a dozen text messages, asking her to spend time with him.”

A few days later Melissa was allegedly seen doing the walk of shame (translation - coming home after a hook-up wearing clothes from the night before) from A-Rod’s car to her hotel.

One of A-Rod’s friends tried to clarify the situation with In Touch:

“Alex is definitely excited by Madonna and wants to spend time with her. But when she’s not around and he is left to his own devices, he wants the company of other beautiful women. He can’t help it. It’s in his nature.”

In his nature?  Perhaps we can to begin to understand A-Rod’s nature by applying Kabbalah practices to this scandal and using Gematria - I will have to consult with the macher over at the Jewish Stoners Union.  Perhaps this is what Madonna is doing right now with Rabbi Berg.  Stay tuned for further analysis

Today I have discovered my favorite Facebook group other than Jewssip —the  Jewish Stoners Union.  This group uses Gematria - assigning numerical values to letters ie A = 1, B = 2 - to unlock the mysterious origins of 420.  Surprisingly the police radio code, California penal code and even Jim Morrison’s death are simply pothead urban legends that have nothing to do with 420. Thanks to the  Jewish Stoners Union we now have the answer…

The word for smoke in Hebrew is Ashan (Ayin Shin Nun). Ayin is 70, Shin is 300, and Nun is 50. 70 + 300 + 50 = 420!!

I wonder if Madonna and A-Rod used gematria (Kabbalah is all about it) to decide to only look for a love nest between Fifth and Park, from 60th Street through the 80s.

Access Hollywood reports that Cynthia Rodriguez emailed a friend about her disgust with Alex Rodriguez’s plans for Thursday -

“My 6-foot-3, 220-pound soul-less, soon-to-be ex-husband is abandoning his kids on Thanksgiving to be with Madonna . . . She called and he ran on her command back to New York City . . . Gross!”

What will this giant of a baseball player find in Madonna’s cornucopia?  Will there be some kind of organic feast with a special kosher turkey raised on Kabbalah water and slaughtered just for Madge?  Or will the Slugger and manager, Guy Oseary, be forced to nibble on a macrobiotic vegetarian feast with no processed or refined foods?  Apparently, this is Madonna’s diet for her kids ( allegedly emailed in a list of dos and don’ts to Guy Ritchie when Rocco and David visited him recently).

Alex Rodriguez and his Jew Who Rocks manager, Guy Oseary, ate Italian last night in NYC at DaSilvano, which just happens to be next door from where I get waxed at Yana Herbal Beauty Salon.  I have no idea if they talked about A-Rod ditching Kabbalah classes, how many times Madonna was mentioned or even what they ate.  What I do know is the minute I saw Guy Oseary’s eyebrows, I called Yana and made an appointment.

Really?  Have Madonna and Gwyneth signed a divorce pact?  Will Chris Martin be dumped in the pub to drink warm beer with Guy Ritchie?  Page Six is reporting that Fontainebleau owner Jeff Soffer flew Gwyneth down to Miami for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show at the reopened hotel.  Gwyneth partied with Madonna’s A-Rod and Soffer in the VIP section, instead of seeing hubby, Chris Martin’s Coldplay gig.  The next day she hung with Kate Hudson and Soffer on a yacht.

I got to tell you,  I’m not impressed with this split rumor.  How many times can you expect a gal to see Coldplay?  This doesn’t mean the marriage is failing, it probably means she can’t bare to hear Yellow again.    The most interesting part about this is that Gwynie attended a bra fashion show, but forget to put hers on (check out Sickitten’s bra suggestions).  Or maybe Page Six is right and she lost it on Soffer’s plane?

Forget Madge’s divorce from Guy Ritche and all her rules - BORING.  The real story of interest isn’t A-Rod - a passing fancy, but the future of Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow’s relationship.  As I’ve stated before, my money is on Madonna chucking her half of the Best Friend necklace leaving Gwynie all alone holding the “est end.” However, last week The SUN reported that the Material Girl was begging Gwyneth to move to NYC, but now I see the National Enquirer says that Gwyneth was told to INHALE when it comes to talking about Madonna’s divorce.

“If you want to help me and be supportive of me, then keep your mouth SHUT! Say nothing about me or my divorce,” the tense Material Girl has warned her friend.

The Material Girl and the Yankee Slugger skipped their Kabbalah classes and coptered to Jerry Seinfeld’s Hampton Estate last week for a 4 hour meeting.  The Seinfelds may seem harmless, but they are the ultimate trouble-makers:  homewreckers (Jerry stole Jessica from Eric Nederlander), plagiarists (Missy Chase Lapine accused Jessica of copying her recipes), defamers (Lapine suing Jerry for his Letterman jokes) and now tryst makers.  Seems Madonna and the Seinfelds go way back — those Upper West Side Jews stick together.

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Madonna wasted no time blasting Guy Ritchie as “emotionally retarded.”  She blames her man’s emotionally stunted ways on his British public school upbringing.  Hon, I could have warned you.  I  moved across the pond to live with a Brit and it was a disaster!  At a party, one of his friends introduced me as “the Jewess from New York,” and my guy did nothing.  No support or understanding on why I could be upset, just a typical “chin up” old bird approach to sympathy.  I’m impressed Madge didn’t bin him earlier, I barely made it year.

Guess Madonna’s spiritual and emotional Kabbalah relationship with A-Rod is what she craved.  Wish I had a baseball hunk, the only thing I craved during my Brit affair was chocolate.

It’s official - Liz Rosenberg, Madonna’s longtime spokeswoman, has confirmed that the couple is divorcing.  The Material Girl is over the married life and is back to being Like A Virgin.

“Madonna and Guy Ritchie have agreed to divorce after seven-and-a-half years of marriage. They have both requested that the media maintain respect for their family at this difficult time,” says a statement given to the AP.

The Sun reveals that a statement confirming Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s “marriage is over has been prepared and is set to be released imminently.”

The source said: “Despite huge attempts to patch things up they both knew deep down that divorce was on the cards.

It wasn’t a matter of ‘if’ but ‘when’. They tried hard over the last few months but their fighting was getting out of control.

Will the end of his marriage result in a surge in Guy Ritchie’s career?  How long will it be before Madonna is back in Kabbalah loving baseball hunk, A-Rod’s arms?  They did have dinner together recently in NYC - I’m sure that’s when Madge was filling her  of  on her divorce plans.  Oh the future is so exciting when love falls apart.