I’m sick.  I’ve got a fever and nothing seems funny, however, this made me cough only once.

It’s a bit long, but this pretty funny. A Nice Jewish Girl pranks her parents with a phone call on Z100 saying she’s dating an Italian. The parents FREAK! “Who’s going to pay for the heart attack I almost had?”

JEWSSIP would blow up, if only I had a celebrity child that I could exploit.  Damn, Michael Lohan beat me to it.  He’s already bred Lindsay to get the hits while he sorts the family’s dirty laundry.   Of course he claims to be setting the record straight.  After all, his new website says he is “99 per cent” sure Samantha Ronson wrote on LiLo’s mySpace page that he had confessed to fathering an illegitimate child.

“My father just let my family and me know, amongst other things, that he had another child after my little sister Aliana.

“He cheated on my mother and that really sucks… MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!”

Samantha said: “Ha! That’s funny, but I don’t ghost-write My Space blogs. Good thing he left that one per cent window open so he wasn’t 100 per cent wrong for once.”

Good job Samantha.  Numbers don’t lie no matter how many sets of cooked books you have.

The Reason for all this bull after the jump + Boobies>>>

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Directly from the NY Post via Women’s Wear Daily, the macher of shoes, Stuart Weitzman, is challenging “the ultimate fan” to a ping pong match in his New York showroom. This is not a contest for just any Weitzman fan - buying his shoes full price even in this economy just isn’t enough.  Weitzman  is looking for a fit fast and flexible fan, who can dive for that little white ball and kick off those heels to make the shot. To enter submit a video testimonial telling “Why I think I can beat Stuart Weitzman in pingpong.” The top prize is an all-expenses-paid trip to the Big Apple, as well as a shoe wardrobe.

Check out ping pong videos from Bruce Lee, Boris -the Mayor of London and of course Forrest Gump >>> Continue »

Dear Chosen Readers -

Time is running out to tell me what you want, want you need.  Please help a girl out and take our Jewssip Customer Satisfaction Survey.  Three lucky bastards will be randomly selected as winners of a $15 Visa Card on the first night of Hanukkah - Sunday, December 21st.

xoxoJ

Click HERE to participate in our survey and a chance to win $15!

I’m not quite sure what to say about this 2009 Calendar featuring a NY JAP living in LA named, Jamie Sneider.  Jamie’s myriad of naked poses celebrating the Jewish Woman and baked goods brings up all kind of feelings for me, which are best expressed in a pie chart -

Click to see more of Jamie’s calendar pin ups and info on where to get this wonderful Hanukkah gift>>>

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Who can worry about the Grinch stealing Christmas, when New York money manager Bernard Madoff’s Ponzi scheme has ruined Hanukkah?  Seems every Jew with gelt from the Upper East Side to Palm Beach to Beverly Hills has been hit.  Steven Spielberg has been calling ET trying to get home, while Rabbi Lookstein’s dovining at Congregation Kehilath Jeshurun praying for a bailout for his UES congregation.

I am confident that Dreamworks CEO Jeffery Katzenberg will personally rebound from this financial crisis and that his son, David will survive with a smaller trust fund.  However, what about all those charities and foundations funded by Jewish philanthropists?  What about those people in need of bone-marrow transplants or the innocent death -row inmates?  Do they get a bailout? Oh Lord, it’s time for a Hanukkah miracle!

If any of you out there have Jewy questions, please feel free to ask me.  If I don’t know the answer I will go to the far reaches of the interweb to find them or I’ll walk to the shul 3 doors down and ask the Rabbi - that’s right this apikorsim got skillz.  This could be like the Gustavo Arellano’s !Ask a Mexican! column in the OC Weekly, but better.

Rudolph's first cousin on his mother's side, Shlomo.

Hello CHOSEN Readers:

Can we talk?  Besides helping your favorite nice Jewish girl who is up to no good  (i.e., me!), three of you lucky bastards will be randomly selected as winners of a $15 Visa Card on the first night of Hanukkah - Sunday, December 21st. This will easily buy you a twelve-pack of imported beer that may just last you for Eight Crazy Nights (now that would be a miracle).

Click HERE to participate in our survey and a chance to win $15!

Look what controlling show business has accomplished!  Well done Hot Box Comedy Girls.

“I just want a Chosen One.  Hebrew boys are so much fun.  All I want for Christmas is a Jew”

If you looking for a Jew of your very own to take home, then check out the Nice Jewish Boys Calendar.   Click HERE to participate in our survey and a chance to win $15!  (no joke use it to buy a calendar)